An Excerpt from the Kill Green Chronicles- a Joe Betty Speech

A month ago he had received a call from the Fort Playne Chamber of Commerce to speak about his ideas on green living. This morning, he had dressed in a black suit, with an organic cotton shirt and black tie. As always, he was clean-shaven. His shoes were black and in polished military style. When he arrived at the Chamber, everyone shook his hand and once everyone was seated he was introduced by the President of the Chamber, Harry I. Baals, IV. “Good Morning, everyone! I am happy to have you here. Today, we are going to have the great pleasure of a first time introduction on green living, by one of our long time citizens and new president and owner of Gleason and Sons, LLC, Joe Betty. Before we bring Joe to the podium, however, I would like us all to take one moment of silence for the past owner of Gleason and Sons, LLC, Lou Gleason. The room went still. Joe Betty looked down into his glass of water, with a glint in his eye. Harry I. Baals, IV tapped his glass with his spoon after an appropriate amount of time, and said, “Please welcome, Joe Betty”! There was a smattering of applause and someone in the back yelled, “Welcome”! Joe Betty walked slowly to the podium and began. Joe Betty’s Speech on Going Green

“Good Morning, everyone”! My adult life has been dedicated to green concepts. Although, when I began this was more a back to nature way of living. I have been involved in the Fort Playne community garden for over fifteen years, use all energy efficient appliances in my home, feed my cat organic foods, and only buy products from Fair Trade companies. (At this juncture someone in the audience yelled, “BOO”!) It has been a mystery to me why so many individuals and businesses resist the idea of going green. In this discussion I will attempt to point out the reasons I believe there is such resistance to green living, especially in Indiana, a state that ranks 49th in green practices and is known as the least green state in the nation. (Another set of boos ran through the audience). Here are the reasons I believe ‘going green’ is a tough road to hoe (no pun intended) in Fort Playne and Indiana. First of all, I believe that most people are creatures of habit. Here in Fort Playne we are used to driving everywhere we go, most families have two cars in their driveway. Most people eat out two or three times a week- probably one of the reasons Fort Playne is known as the City of Restaurants. Basically, Fort Playne residents are a lazy bunch who is driven by inertia. If someone is asked to walk to the store, it is made to seem to be a major production. The city of Fort Playne is filled with lazy consumers. I am happy to say I am not one of them. I take the bus, or walk wherever I go. (At this point a loud BOO whistled throughout the large room of businessmen and women). Secondly, we have become very comfortable with this lifestyle. It is hard to change when you are lazy. (At this point a very fat, red nosed man in the front row who was sitting in a motorized scooter revved up the machine and motored out of the room). We here in Fort Playne love our creature comforts. We do not like to do without air conditioning or warm mornings. We do not like to wear sweaters or open our windows. We are a people who still believe that the day will come when gas will one day be 25 cents a gallon. I am here to tell you that next Monday; I am implementing “Walk to Work Day” at Gleason and Sons, LLC. My employees will have to walk to work at least once a week in order to work at Gleason and Sons, LLC! Because, guess what, Fort Playne, those comfortable days are over! (Now the audience went into overdrive with Boos and other derogatory comments). Joe Betty held up his hands to silence them and went on. Basically, the people and businesses in Fort Playne are afraid of change! We do not want to make the effort to clean up our polluted rivers, we like large electric bills stuffed in paper envelopes, we enjoy calling anyone with different ideas ‘weird’ and ‘unconventional’. The conservative element in Fort Playne is filled with propaganda from those who persist in stating that there is no such thing as climate change. This propaganda has been put in place by those who profit mightily from a fossil based world and have no concern for the generations that will follow us. (By this time half of the audience had gotten up and left the chamber room). Most of them were in the hallway angrily discussing Joe Betty and his ‘stupid notions’ as one Fort Playne businessman put it.) I want to thank the Fort Playne Chamber of Commerce for asking me to come and discuss my ideas on green living. I hope all of you that are left in this room will think about the concept of green living and incorporate some of the ideas into your everyday life, both at home and at your businesses. Thank you! The room erupted in loud catcalls and phrases such as, “Thank God, that’s over” and “What an idiot”! blasted throughout the room. Joe Betty smiled, nodded his head and walked proudly to his chair. Harry Baals, IV appeared at the podium, looked sideways at Betty with a puzzled expression and used his gavel to restore order. “I wish to thank Mr. Betty for his appearance today, and now please welcome the Gay Men’s Choir who will be singing “Have a Holly Jolly, Christmas” to bring in the holiday season. I bid you all a fond farewell. Go do business! (Go do business is the motto of the Fort Playne Chamber of Commerce). As the meeting dispersed, Betty walked proudly out the door and headed towards the bus station, whistling softly under his breath, and quickly dodging an old boiled egg, thrown by one of the non-appreciative members of the audience. As the last egg was thrown Betty could still hear the end of the rousing rendition Check out the first installment of the Kill Green Chronicles: Killing in Ordinary Time

of the “it’s the best time of the year”!